Jokes Only

[Master Shake]

A young guy from Wisconsin moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.
The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"
The kid says, "Yeah. I was a salesman back in Wisconsin."
Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job.
"You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."
His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it.
After the store was locked up, the boss came to see him. "How many customers bought something from you today?"
The kid says "One".
The boss says "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?"
The kid says, "$101,237.65".
The boss says, "$101,237.65? What the heck did you sell him?

The kid says, "First, I sold him a small fish hook.
"Then I sold him a medium fishhook.
Then I sold him a larger fishhook.
"Then I sold him a new fishing rod.
"Then I asked him where he was going fishing, and he said 'down the coast,' so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."

The boss says, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK? Is that right?"

The kid answers, "No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot; you should go fishing."

[Master Shake]

"The Test"
The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists......two men and a woman

For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

"We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside of this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her!!!"

The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife." The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes."I tried, but I can't kill my wife."

The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room.

Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman.

She wiped the sweat from her brow, and said, "This gun is loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair."

[Master Shake]

A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a
restaurant operated by a fellow cannibal. Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu...

Broiled Missionary: $10.00
Fried Explorer: $15.00
Grilled Republican: $20.00
Baked Democrat: $100.00

The cannibal called the waiter over and asked, 'Why such a price difference for the Democrat?'
The cook replied, "Have you ever tried to clean one? They're so full of ****, it takes all morning."

[Master Shake]

After having their 11th child, an Tennessee couple decided that was enough (they could not afford a larger double wide). So, the husband went to his doctor (who also treated mules) and told him that he and his wife/cousin didn't want to have any more children.
The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem. The doctor instructed him to go home, get a cherry bomb (fireworks are legal in Tenn.), light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The Tennessean said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man, but don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me." So the couple drove to Georgia to get a second opinion.

The Georgia physician was just about to tell them about the procedure for a vasectomy when he noticed that they were from Tennessee. This doctor instead told the man to go home and get a cherry bomb, light it, place it in a beer can, hold it to his ear and count to 10.

Figuring that both learned physicians couldn't be wrong, the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count. "1,2, 3, 4, 5 . . ." at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand.

This medical procedure also works in Alabama, Virginia, West Virginia and Kentucky and Arkansas and is sure to be a great success in Palm Beach County Florida.

[Master Shake]

I felt the board needed a Jokes thread so I'll keep it going and add a few a jokes each day from my stash. We all need a good laugh everyday.

[livetough]

There was three men and a boy taking a ride in a plane. One was a internationally known genius, another was a priest, a small boy, and ofcourse the pilot.

All of a sudden after a load of turbulence the pilot shouts "mayday mayday the plane is going down!"

There were only three parachutes on board.

So the pilot exclaims "this is my plane so i get one of the parachutes!" and then he grabs one and jumps off the plane.

Then with no hesitation the genius quickly grabs one of the parachutes and says,"I have the ability to change the world so i deserve a parachute." He then jumps off the plane.

Finally the preist says to the boy, "you can have the last parachute because you have the rest of your life to live."

Then the boy says with a smile, "We both can get a parachute! That genius took my backpack!"

[Master Shake]

Life Science Final Exam

The not necessarily well-prepared student sat in his life science classroom staring at a question on the final exam paper. The question directed: “Give four advantages of breast milk.” What to write? He sighed, and began to scribble whatever came into his head, hoping for the best:

1. No need to boil.

2. Cats can’t steal it.

3. Available whenever necessary.

So far so good - maybe. But the exam demanded a four-part answer. Again, what to write? Once more, he sighed. He frowned. He scowled and then sighed again. But suddenly, he brightened. He grabbed his pen, and triumphantly, he scribbled his definitive answer:

4. Available in attractive containers.

[greenblood]

Did you hear about the guy who lost his whole left side in that bad car accident?

He's all right now.

[hunterbunter]

Aug 21, 2008 12:35:57 GMT -6 greenblood said:

Did you hear about the guy who lost his whole left side in that bad car accident?

He's all right now.

LMAO

[RPM]

LOL!

[wp2003]

Aug 21, 2008 11:38:40 GMT -6 Master Shake said:

I felt the board needed a Jokes thread so I'll keep it going and add a few a jokes each day from my stash. We all need a good laugh everyday.

there's already 2......besides this one

[hunterbunter]

this one might be funnier though

[Master Shake]

Aug 21, 2008 13:48:39 GMT -6 wp2003 said:

Aug 21, 2008 11:38:40 GMT -6 Master Shake said:

I felt the board needed a Jokes thread so I'll keep it going and add a few a jokes each day from my stash. We all need a good laugh everyday.

there's already 2......besides this one

And I had searched for a previous thread on jokes but didnt find any and then I realized my search window was for the last 7 days.

hunter, I will do my best to keep the laughs going.

[Master Shake]

A man boards an airplane and takes his seat. As he settles in, he glances up and sees a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realizes she is heading straight towards his seat. Lo and behold, she takes the seat right beside his.

Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurts out, "Business trip or vacation?" She turns, smiles and says, "Business. I'm going to the annual Nymphomaniac Convention in Chicago." He swallows hard.

Here is the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen sitting next to him and she's going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asks "What's your business role at this convention?" "Lecturer", she says. "I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

"Really", he says, "what myths are those?"

"Well", she explains, "one popular myth is that African American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Jewish descent. However, we have found that the best potential lover in all categories is the Southern Redneck."

Suddenly the woman becomes a little uncomfortable and blushes. "I'm sorry", she says. "I shouldn't be discussing this with you. I don't even know your name!"

"Tonto", the man says, "Tonto Goldstein. But my friends call me Bubba."

[wp2003]

a lot of these jokes already got posted, but they're still funny.

[wp2003]

where are you getting them from master shake?

[Master Shake]

Mainly emails but from a few other places throughout the vast Internet community.

[WARRIOR55]

OK OK I got one................ Shoot I forgot.

[Master Shake]

Here's some political humor:
"Barack Obama said today that he is going to fight for votes in all 50 states. Yeah. That's what he said. Meanwhile, John McCain said he's going to fight for votes in all 13 colonies."

"This week, Barack Obama, true story, campaigned on an Indian reservation and the tribal chief adopted him. Yeah, the Indians actually prefer Obama to John McCain, because they still remember when McCain took their land."

"Earlier today, John McCain released 1,200 pages of his medical records. Or, as his doctor calls it, Chapter One."

"CNN reports that John McCain is aggressively trying to win over the independent vote. Yeah, of course, to John McCain, independent means anyone who can make it to the toilet without help."

"Barack Obama is campaigning very hard, going everywhere these days to get the vote out. Barack Obama's staff recently announced that Barack is planning to hold a campaign event at a NASCAR race. Yeah. The event will be called 'Meet your first black guy.'"

"Hey, have you heard this story that Barack Obama and Scarlett Johansson are apparently e-mail buddies? Scarlett Johansson is quoted as saying, 'My heart belongs to Barack Obama.' How about that, huh? Barack's not even president yet, still doing waaay better than Bill Clinton ever did."

[Master Shake]

One day at kindergarten a teacher said to the class of 5-year-olds, "I'll give $2 to the child who can tell me who was the most famous man who ever lived."

An Irish boy put his hand up and said, "It was St.Patrick."

The teacher said, "Sorry Sean, that's not correct."

Then a Scottish boy put his hand up and said, "It was St. Andrew."

The teacher replied, "I'm sorry, Hamish, that's not right either."

Finally, a Jewish boy raised his hand and said, "It was Jesus Christ."

The teacher said, "That's absolutely right, Marvin,come up here and I'll give you the $2."

As the teacher was giving Marvin his money, she said, "You know Marvin, since you're Jewish, I was very surprised you say Jesus Christ."

Marvin replied, "Yeah. In my heart I knew it was Moses, but business is business..."