Jokes Only

[Master Shake]

PEPITO STRIKES AGAIN...

A grade school teacher in Las Milpas asked her students to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence.

Maria put up her hand and said, "My family went to my abuelito's farm, and we all saw his pet cabrito. It was fascinating.

The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word "fascinate, not fascinating".

Enriqueta shyly raised her hand. She said, "My family went to see los pyramids and I was fascinated."

The teacher said, "Well, that was good Enriqueta, but I wanted you to use the word "fascinate."

Pepito raised his hand.

The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Pepito before.

She finally gave in and decided there was no way he could damage the word "fascinate", so she called on him.

Pepito said, "My Tia Ninfa has a sweater with ten buttons, but her chichis are so big she can only fasten eight."

The teacher cried.

[E-E PoWeR HoUsE]

[Master Shake]

How many posters does it take...

to change a lightbulb?

1 to change the light bulb

1 to post that the light bulb has been changed

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently

7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs

27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs

53 to flame the spell checkers

6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb"

... another 6 to condemn those 6 as anal-retentive

2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp"

15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that "lightbulb" is perfectly correct

156 to email the participant's ISPs complaining that they are in
violation of their "acceptable use policy"

109 to post that this fourm is not about light bulbs and to please
take this discussion to a lightbulb forum

203 to demand that cross posting to hardware newsgroup, off-topic newsgroup, and lightbulb newsgroup about changing light bulbs be stopped

111 to defend the posting to this newsgroup saying that we all use lightbulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this newsgroup

306 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty

27 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs

14 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's

3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group

33 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including
all headers and signatures, and add "Me too"

12 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

19 to quote the "Me too's" to say "Me three"

4 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ

44 to ask what is a "FAQ"

4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"

143 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs"

1 new poster to respond to the original post 6 months from now
and start it all over again

1 moderator to lock the controversial light bulb thread until morning!

[wp2003]

or 3 posters to hijack the thread and use it to talk about websites, burgers, and how one poster is cheating by posting only smileys........... ;D

[xlobo]

good one wp

[wp2003]

you have to admit that's funny though. that was a good find master shake

[RxCounselor]

that was funny...it really fit the bill.

[Master Shake]

A brunette, a redhead and a blonde are in a breast stroke race. The starter's gun goes off and the three girls dive into the pool. The brunette and the redhead shoot across the pool and get out; 20 minutes later the blonde reaches the end and gets out. The judge says, "The gold medal goes to the brunette, the silver medal goes to the redhead, and the bronze goes to the blonde". The blonde says, "I don't want to be a sore loser, but I think the other girls were using their arms."

[Master Shake]

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they were exhausted and went to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.

"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?" Holmes said and Watson pondered for a minute.

"Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Timewise, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that The lord is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have, a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"

Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Watson, you idiot, Some ------- has stolen our tent."

[Redfish]

Aug 23, 2008 1:14:43 GMT -6 Master Shake said:

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they were exhausted and went to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.

"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?" Holmes said and Watson pondered for a minute.

"Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Timewise, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that The lord is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have, a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"

Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Watson, you idiot, Some ------- has stolen our tent."

ha ha!!! Elementary my dear master shake. LOL

Interesting fact about sherlock holmes. Did you know the widely used coined phrase "Elementary, my dear watson" was only used once by Holmes in he book. Yes, i read it all.

[AT THE JUNGLE]

This made me LMAO, please tell me this cant be right!!

40 REASONS MEN ARE HAPPIER THAN WOMEN

1. Your last name stays put.
2. The garage is all yours.
3. Wedding plans take care of themselves.
4. Chocolate is just another snack.
5. You can be President.
6. You can never be pregnant.
7. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
8. You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
9. Car mechanics tell you the truth.
10. The world is your urinal.
11. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
12. You don’t have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
13. Same work, more pay.
14. Wrinkles add character.
15. Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.
16. People never stare at your chest when you’re talking to them.
17. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
18. New shoes don’t cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
19. One mood all the time.
20. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
21. You know stuff about tanks.
22. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
23. You can open all your own jars.
24. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
25. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
26. Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
27. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
28. You almost never have strap problems in public.
29. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
30. Everything on your face stays its original color.
31. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
32. You only have to shave your face and neck.
33. You can play with toys all your life.
34. Your belly usually hides your big hips.
35. One wallet and one pair of shoes — one color for all seasons.
36. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
37. You can ‘do’ your nails with a pocket knife.
38. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
39. You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.
40. No wonder men are happier.

[wp2003]

that sounds about right.......

[bigchief87]

Aug 23, 2008 1:13:02 GMT -6 Master Shake said:

A brunette, a redhead and a blonde are in a breast stroke race. The starter's gun goes off and the three girls dive into the pool. The brunette and the redhead shoot across the pool and get out; 20 minutes later the blonde reaches the end and gets out. The judge says, "The gold medal goes to the brunette, the silver medal goes to the redhead, and the bronze goes to the blonde". The blonde says, "I don't want to be a sore loser, but I think the other girls were using their arms."

LOL......Now I can't get that vision out of my head..........

[Master Shake]

CROCHETED DOLLS


A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other, except that the little old woman had a shoe-box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about. For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover. In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe-box and took it to his wife's bedside.

She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box.

When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls, and a stack of money totaling $95,000. He asked her about the contents. "When we were to be married," she said, "my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll."

The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with happiness. "Honey," he said, "that explains the doll, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?"

"Oh," she said, "That's the money I made from selling the dolls."

[Master Shake]

Husband: Oh, come on.
Wife: Leave me alone!
Husband: It won't take long.
Wife: I won't be able to sleep afterwards.
Husband: I can't sleep without it.
Wife: Why do you think of things like this in the middle of the night?
Husband: Because I'm Hot.
Wife: You get hot at the darnedest times.
Husband: If you love me I wouldn't have to beg you.
Wife: If you love me you'd be more considerate.
Husband: You don't love me anymore.
Wife: Yes I do, but let's forget it for tonight.
Husband: Please..come on
Wife: Alright, I'll do it.
Husband: What's the matter? Need a flashlight?
Wife: I can't find it.
Husband: Oh, for heaven's sake, feel for it!
Wife: There! Are you satisfied?
Husband: Oh, yes.
Wife: Is it up far enough?
Husband: Oh, that's good.
Wife: Now go to bed and from now on when you want the window open, do it yourself.

[Master Shake]

The owner of a golf course was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.

He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from Texas A&M and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"

The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, "Everything but my earrings."

[Master Shake]

Living Will

I, __________________________, being of sound mind and body, do not wish to be kept alive indefinitely by artificial means. Under no circumstances should my fate be put in the hands of pinhead politicians who couldn't pass ninth-grade biology if their lives depended on it: or with lawyers/doctors interested in simply running up the bills. If a reasonable amount of time passes and I fail to ask for at least one of the following:

______a Bloody Mary
______a Cold Beer
______a Rum and Coke
______a Martini
______a Vodka on the rocks
______a Steak
______Lobster or crab legs
______The remote control
______a Bowl of ice cream
______The sports page
______Chocolate
______S-x

It should be presumed that I won't ever get better. When such a determination is reached, I hereby instruct my appointed person and attending physicians to pull the plug, reel in the tubes and call it a day.

Signature: ___________________________ Date:_________________________

[Master Shake]

Bubba's sister is pregnant and is in a bad car accident, which caused her to fall into a deep coma. After nearly 6 months, she awakens and sees that she is no longer pregnant. Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.

The doctor replies, "Ma'am, you had twins - a boy and a girl. The babies are fine. Your brother came in and named them."

The woman thinks to herself, "Oh, no! not Bubba; he's an idiot!" Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, "Well, what the girl's name?"

"Denise," the doctor answers.

The new mother says, "Denise! Wow! That's a beautiful name! I guess I was wrong about my brother. I really like the name Denise."

Then she asks the doctor, "What's the boy's name?"

The doctor replies, "Denephew."