funny stuff

[Ol' Buzzard]

HOW TO SPOT A GAY TERRORIST!

[wp2003]

see their picture on the forum? is that how you spot them?

[Ol' Buzzard]

THE BOSS PUT ME IN CHARGE OF THE SOCIAL COMMITEE FOR THE ANNUAL STAFF PARTY. AFTER PROPOSING THE IDEA OF ALCHOLIC BEVERAGES, THE BOSS SAID EACH EMPLOYEE WOULD BE LIMITED TO ONLY ONE CUP OF ALCOHOL.

[Ol' Buzzard]

[Ol' Buzzard]

How does a space toliet work?

[Ol' Buzzard]

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the
most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight towards
his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his.



Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, 'Business trip or pleasure?'



She turned, smiled and said, 'Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of
America Convention in Boston .'



He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him,
and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs.



Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, 'What's your business role
at this convention?'

'Lecturer,' she responded. 'I use information that I have learned from my
personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.'



'Really?' he said. 'And what kind of myths are there?'



'Well,' she explained, 'one popular myth is that African-American men are the
most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most
likely to possess that trait.



'Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers when actually it is Jewish
men who are the best.



'I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the
Southern Redneck.'



Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. 'I'm sorry,' she
said, 'I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don't even know
your name.'



'Tonto,' the man said, 'Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba.'

[Ol' Buzzard]

A REAL man's BBQ Pit

[Ol' Buzzard]

Results of a recent research shows that there are
7 kinds of sex.

The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex.
* This kind of sex happens when you first meet
someone and you both have sex until you are
blue in the face.

The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex.
* This is when you have been with your partner
for a short time and you are so needy you will
have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.

The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex.
* This is when you have been with your partner
for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine and
you usually have sex only in your bedroom.

The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex
* This is when you have been with your partner
for too long. When you pass each other in the
hallway you both say 'screw you.'

The 5th kind of sex is called: Religious Sex.
* Which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun
in the afternoon and Nun at night.(Very Popular)

The 6th kind is called Courtroom Sex.
* This is when you cannot stand your wife any
more. She takes you to court and screws you
in front of everyone.

And; Last, but not least,
The 7th kind of sex is called: Social Security Sex.
* You get a little each month.
But not enough to enjoy your self.

PLEASE DO NOT REPLY TO TELL ME
WHAT STAGE YOU ARE IN.

[Ol' Buzzard]

Five surgeons are discussing who has the best
patients to operate on.

The first surgeon says, 'I like to see
accountants on my operating table > because when you open them up,
everything inside is numbered.'

The second responds, 'Yeah, but you should try
electricians! Everything inside them is color-coded.'

The third surgeon says, 'No, I really think
librarians are the best;
everything inside them is in alphabetical order.'

The fourth surgeon chimes in, 'You know I like
construction workers. Those
guys always understand when you have a few
parts left over at the end, and
when the job takes longer than you said it would.'

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up w hen he
observed, 'You're all wrong.

Politicians are the easiest to operate on.
There's no guts, no heart, no
balls, no brains, and no spine, and there are
only two moving parts - the
mouth and the a$$hole - and they are interchangeable.'

[Ol' Buzzard]

A recent study found that the average American walks about 900 miles a year.

Another study found that Americans drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year.

That means, on average, Americans get about 41 miles to the gallon.


Kind of makes you proud to be an American...

[Ol' Buzzard]

OPEC sells oil for $136.00 a barrel.
OPEC nations buy U.S. grain at $7.00 a bushel.
Solution: Sell grain for $136.00 a bushel.
Can't buy it? Tough! Eat your oil!
I mean just raise the price of grain for OPEC...

[wp2003]

having fun buzzy?? btw, you already posted the one about the doctors ;D

[Ol' Buzzard]

A man, while playing on the front nine of a complicated golf course became confused as to where he was on the course. Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him.

He walked up to her, explained his confusion, and asked her if she knew what hole he was playing.

" I'm on the 7th hole, " she replied, " and you are a hole behind me. So you must be on the 6th hole. "

He thanked her, and went back to his golf.

On the back nine, the same thing happened and he approached her again with the same request.

" I'm on number 14, and you are still a hole behind, so you must be on the 13th hole. "

Once again he thanked her, and returned to his play.

He finished his round and went into the clubhouse where he saw the same lady sitting at the end of the bar. He asked the bartender if had knew the lady. The bartender said that she was a sales lady and had played the course often.

He approached her and said, " Let me buy you a drink in appreciation for you help. I understand that you are in the sales profession. I'm in sales also. What do you sell? "

" I'll tell you, but you are going to laugh, " she replied.

" No I won't, " he muttered.

" Well, If you must know, " she started to answer, " I work for Tampax. "

With that, he laughed so hard he lost his balance, and fell off of the bar stool.

" See, " she said. " I knew you would laugh! "

" That's not what I'm laughing at, " he replied, " I'm a salesman for Preparation H, SO I"M STILL A HOLE BEHIND YOU. "

[Ol' Buzzard]

A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink. Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table.

He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks the biggest meaner looking biker in the face and says:
" I went to your grandma's house today and saw her in the hallway buck naked. Man, she is one fine looking woman! "

The biker looks at him, and doesn't say a word. His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker, and would normally fight at the drop of a hat.

The drunk leans on the table again, and says:
" I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had! "

The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad, but the biker still says nothing.

The drunk leans on the table one more time and says:
" I'll tell you something else, BOY, your grandma liked it, and she took it in the can! "

At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders, looks him square in the eyes, and says...







" Grandpa,... Go home, you're drunk! "

[Ol' Buzzard]

* Why are there Braille buttons on the drive-up ATM machine? ( Chase Bank )

* If you have sex with a prostitute against her will, is it considered rape or shoplifting?

* Can you cry under water?

* How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

* Why do you have to " put your two cents in "...but it's only a " penny for your thoughts "? Where is that extra penny going to?

* Once you are in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

* Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

* What desease did " cured ham " actually have?

* How is it that we put a man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

* Why is it that people say they " slept like a baby " when babies wake up like every two hours?

* If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

* Why are you In a movie, but you are ON TV?

* Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things that are on the ground?

* Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.

* Why is " BRA " singular, and " PANTIES " plural?

* Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human would eat?

* If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?

* Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

* If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

* Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs.

* If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?

* If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

* If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

* Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star have the same tune?

* Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

* Why do they call it an asteroid when it is outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it is in your butt?

* Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

[Ol' Buzzard]

I've often been asked, "Ed, what do you do now that you're
retired?"

I say, "Well, I don't have much of a chemical background, but one
of the things I enjoy the most is turning beer into urine!"

[Ol' Buzzard]

REMEMBER, SAFETY FIRST!

[Ol' Buzzard]

HOW WOULD YOU REACT IF YOU WERE DRIVING DOWN THE HIGH-WAY AND YOU SAW THIS?

[Ol' Buzzard]

This may not effect some of you ladies, but men beware

Be Careful - A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular Home Depot customers.

Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping.

Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naïve enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.

Here's how the scam works:

Two very hot 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your stuff into the trunk. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look.

When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead they ask you for a ride to Lowes. You agree and they get in the backseat.

On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen March 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th & 29th.

Also April 1st, 4th, twice on the 8th, 16th, 23rd, 26th, 30th, three times last Saturday and very likely again this upcoming weekend.

So tell your friends to be careful.

P.S. Wal-Mart has wallets on sale 2.99 each !

[Ol' Buzzard]

A preacher was making his rounds on a bicycle, when he came upon a little boy trying to sell a lawn mower.
'How much do you want for the mower?' asked the preacher.
'I just want enough money to go out and buy me a bicycle,' said the little boy.
After a moment of consideration, the preacher asked, Will you take my bike in trade for it?'
The little boy asked if he could try it out first, and, after riding the bike around a little while, said, 'Mister, you've got yourself a deal.'
The preacher took the mower and began to crank it. He pulled on the rope a few times with no response from the mower.
The preacher called the little boy over and said, 'I can't get this mower to start.'
The little boy said, 'That's because you have to cuss at it to get it started.'
The preacher said, I can't cuss. It's been so long since I became a Christian that I don't even remember how to cuss.'
The little boy looked at him happily and said, 'You just keep pulling on that rope. It'll come back to ya.